Nicole and Elle Get Hot & Bothered--Disney Hero Editionby Nicole Fischer
Our sincerest apologies, friends.
We know we’ve been slacking a little bit over here. You really can’t imagine how hard it is to come up with a new and improved list of hot dudez every other week. Looking at endless pictures of sexy men is EXHAUSTING!!!!! (someone pays us to do this. seriously, this is our job. hahahaha.)
Anywayyyy… this week’s H&B was inspired by the controversy about the new live-action Mulan film (if you don’t know what we mean/have been living under a rock, check out: #MakeMulanRight). It seems to be somewhat resolved now, but it still got us talking about our favorite Disney heroes.
Ok, ok. We know. These are CARTOON CHARACTERS. But still, can you really say you didn’t have a little crush on some of these guys? So, without further adieu, here’s our comprehensive list of the hottest Disney princes/heroes from the last 60(ish) years.
Disclaimer: You’ll notice that the borderline useless/nameless princes from Cinderella and Snow White did not make the cut. Sorry bros, you may be hot but you’re also LAME AS F. #boybye
Further Disclaimer: Elle has ruled out all cartoon animals because bestiality = grosssss. So no Simbas, Robin Hoods, Foxes and Hounds (I don’t know, you pervs!) are on this list.
Credit: Disney’s Mulan
Nicole: Mulan is one of my all-time fav Disney movies. Not just because Mulan is a bad-ass chick who saves the country and kicks some serious butt in the process. Not even because Mushu is the most hilarious sidekick ever (I still text my sister to say, “Cri-Kee, get the bags!” any time we’re going on vacation together). But because of this guy. Ah, Shang. Let’s get down to business (but not to defeat the Huns heheh).
Elle: Okay. Okay. So, Mulan is basically my all time favorite movie. When I was 5, I sat in front of the TV with an Xacto knife (the closest thing I could find to a killer sword) and chopped half of my hair off in solidarity with Mulan. Shang set off years to come of me falling for the slightly stoic guy who I knew would fall in love with me once he saw how amazing I was. Sadly, my orange belt in Taekwondo impressed precisely no boys. Still looking for my Shang though. Apply at email@example.com.
Credit: Disney’s Hercules
Nicole: This guy’s biceps are UNREAL. Literally… because he’s a cartoon. But look how tiny Meg seems wrapped up in his massive arms! Livin the dream of tall girls everywhere. I need my own Hercules because I am so over looking down at dudes who are tying to hit on me.
Elle: Oh man, Hercules got me real good. He was so strong and manly but he still had that inner nerdy guy inside of him. Can you say heart eyes emoji? Plus, a karaoke favorite from Meg.
John Smith vs Kocoum
Credit: Disney’s Pocahontas
Nicole: No unibrows here! Both of these dudes have pretty snazzy eyebrows. But I’ve never really been a fangirl of either character, to be honest. I actually had a John Smith/Pocahontas barbie doll set as a kid… and I hated his hair so much, I chopped it all off. But that was a slippery slope because cutting his hair led to other body modifications and suddenly my John Smith doll had no legs and scribbles all over his face. I was like 6 and RIPPED HIS LEGS OFF. What the hell was wrong with me? Elle, did you know I’m basically Sid from Toy Story?
Elle: Nicole, I don’t know if this will offend you, but I couldn’t be less shocked that you’re Sid. Everything makes sense now.
But about these hotties: UGH I’M SO TORN. One is that sexy guy in the bar who is a cool adventurer who wants to take you to Casablanca and only mansplains a little but it’s okay because he’s so hot with his man bun (jk mansplaining is never ok) and the other is this like viscerally attractive dude who gets you in your you know where even though he’s a little boring but you just can’t help yourself because are you seeing those cheekbones? I will never decide. TBH I think Pocahontas was torn too…before you know, sadness occurred. RIP Kocoum
Also RIP a Mel Gibson I didn’t loathe :'(
Credit: Disney’s Aladdin
Nicole: Is it just me or is that first gif kind of… sensual? Ahh, Aladdin. You can take me for a ride on your magic carpet any day.
Elle: That first gif is incredibly sensual, Nicole. I’ll back you up on that every day of the week. I have to admit Aladdin was never a huge crush for me, but it’s probably the most romantic of the Disney movies so I obviously loved it.
The Beast aka Prince Something-or-Other (It’s Adam, but who cares)
Credit: Disney’s Beauty and the Beast
Nicole: Somebody call Hot Dudes Reading! Gotta love a big, hairy man who likes to read. The Beast is the original Pouty Man Bear (if you’re familiar with the term coined by Tessa Bailey). It’s kind of a bummer that he turns into a rather dainty looking prince when his curse is broken. But whatever, you can’t have everything.
Elle: I will agree that I was probably less than enthused when Beast changed BUT 1) that luscious beautiful hair you know Belle will braid immediately 2) his muscles peeking out from that ripped shirt 3) the BEST Disney kiss bar none. If you think there is a better one, you better come to me with receipts.
Credit: Disney’s The Princess and the Frog
Nicole: I’m a little too old for this film but this prince is hot enough to catch my eye even though I’ve never seen the movie. I love those two little squiggly bits of hair falling over his brow. One might go as far as to say he probably made a hot frog as well…
Elle: I find Prince Naveen so hot that I’m actually really angry that Disney felt it necessary to make him a freaking frog for most of the movie. Srsly Disney, you create probably the hottest prince ever and you make him a frog but Prince Boring gets screen time? I have questions.
Credit: Disney’s Tarzan
Nicole: Oooof, the muscles. Ladies, I give you Disney’s mostly naked leading man. I don’t hate it. But also, check out the way he’s staring deep into Jane’s eyes. Swoon.
Elle: A talented conversationalist Tarzan will never be called. But, I ask you friends, why do you need conversation? Who needs to discuss the issues of the day when you can swing through the trees on vines, braid each others hair (are you seeing a theme?!) and stare longingly at each other? And don’t even get me started on the brilliance of the Phil Collins soundtrack.
Credit: Disney’s The Little Mermaid
Nicole: Ariel, you are correct. He is so beautiful, with his blue eyes and dark hair. Sighhhh. But he may also be very stupid, because he almost marries Ursula in disguise. Ew. However, the determination to get her back is romance novel worthy, so I approve. Eric can stay.
Elle: Fun story, the first time my older sister saw beautiful infant me, she started crying because I wasn’t named Ariel OR Eric. It was a trial too awful to be endured by a 3 1/2 year old. Every time someone describes their hero as having black hair and blue eyes, my first thought is ALWAYS Eric. Closely followed by this guy.
Credit: Disney’s Tangled
Nicole: This dude has HUGE chompers. For real. Like, look at his teeth. Who was responsible for drawing the teeth? But he does have that smirky, bad boy charm that I love so I’ll forgive his cartoon dentures. Also, how adorable is the ending of this movie… “You were my new dream.” Awwww presh.
Elle: I have a thing for noses (it’s complicated, don’t ask) so I love Flynn merely because of the quantity of nose jokes that are in this movie. He’s also the perfect scamp/roguish hero–an archetype I adore.
Credit: Disney’s The Emperor’s New Groove
Nicole: “PULL THE LEVER KRONK!” Lolz, this movie is such an underrated gem. It’s hilarious. But ok, fine. This guy is technically a villain (and an idiotic one, at that) for most of the film… But he changes his ways in the end! He looks like a meathead but how can you not love a big, burly goofball who speaks squirrel and plays jump rope with kids?
Elle: “WRONG LEVER!” I probably quote this movie at least 3 times a week because it’s a genuine masterpiece. Maybe the only David Spade vehicle I’ve seen more than once. And yes, it’s all because of the amazing Kronk. Who hasn’t pretended to be a secret agent with their own theme song?
Credit: Fox’s Anastasia
Nicole: This is not technically a Disney movie, so Dimitri was banished to the “Honorable Mention” category. But that doesn’t make him any less swoon-worthy. This movie is THE BEST (not just because Rasputin’s his silly little bat friend cracks me up). Here’s why Dimitri rules: he can dance, he’s got great hair, he looks fab in regular clothes AND a tux, he reunites Anya/Anastasia with her long-lost family… Need I say more?
Elle: DAGNABBIT DIMITRI. Why are you literally the man of my dreams? Don’t you know it’s cruel to tease human woman with your amazingness? When he decides to leave Anya because he knows she’s the real princess and he doesn’t think he’s good enough–cue heart-wrenching sighs and my inability to find a man to measure up.
Who is your favorite Disney leading lad? Did we miss anyone???
Nicole and Elle